


and a-rovin' i'll go for a pair of brown eyes

by aghramochroi



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Gwendolyn just really likes Mildred's eyes, I Tried, kind of, slightly stream of consciousness ish, they are really nice eyes in fairness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28537902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aghramochroi/pseuds/aghramochroi
Summary: Looking at Mildred, Gwendolyn sees her whole world reflected in a pair of brown eyes.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 10
Kudos: 65





	and a-rovin' i'll go for a pair of brown eyes

**Author's Note:**

> title is from A Pair of Brown Eyes by The Pogues
> 
> because i have eight assignments due over the next two weeks, so obviously i wrote this instead. enjoy. also, i haven't written anything in a long, long time, so please be gentle  
> 

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Gwendolyn always thought that to be true. As a younger woman, Gwendolyn was always told her eyes held no secrets. Every emotion she felt flashed across them without her permission, telling the whole world when she was happy, sad, in love. It’s the last one she needs to be the most careful of – keeping her love from the world, herself and Trevor pulling off an Oscar-worthy performance during the three years of their marriage.

The first time Gwendolyn Briggs saw Mildred Ratched, she was almost startled. Those dark chestnut eyes held a hurricane of emotion guarded behind a thick wall of indifference. The first time she saw her, she was enchanted, but it was this moment of eye contact – watching the redhead struggle to accept Gwendolyn’s offer of a trip to Monterey – that hooked her. She felt she could stare into those eyes forever and never bored; never get even a hint of what feelings were swirling deep inside, never visible on the surface.

The first time she actually saw something flash across those eyes was outside the bar. Gwendolyn had thought… well, she had figured the oysters made everything fairly obvious, but apparently she was wrong. She saw the anger in Mildred’s eyes, but something else as well, something that made Gwendolyn feel that maybe she wasn’t completely wrong about Mildred being one of them. Gwendolyn remembered all too well how difficult it is in the beginning, the realisation that you’re not the same, that you’re not welcome in society, that doing something as simple as loving someone can land you in deep shit very, very quickly.

Eating those oysters was the first time Gwendolyn saw actual emotion in Mildred’s eyes – a little anxiety, a little fear, a lot of nervousness; but then surprise, happiness, laughter. It was refreshing to see something other than the hardness that made Gwendolyn think life hadn’t been all that kind to the nurse. It gave her hope, so she persevered; thought maybe, if she was patient, she could knock down each of Mildred’s walls one by one until she got to the real Mildred Ratched, the Mildred Ratched that existed before the world got to her. And slowly, she did. The night Mildred suggested going back to that restaurant for dinner, Gwendolyn’s eyes lit up in cautious hope. And when Mildred acknowledged her feelings for her, she thought finally, finally her patience had paid off. Finally, she was seeing something more in those brown eyes.

If you had asked Gwendolyn how being shot in the chest would feel, she wouldn’t have gotten the right answer. To be perfectly honest, if you had asked Gwendolyn how being shot in the chest would feel, she would have laughed right in your face. People don’t get shot in real life, especially not an unimportant Governor’s press secretary – that sort of thing only happens in movies, a twist to add a bit of drama to the plot.

It burns, she unfortunately discovered. It feels like – well, it feels like a bullet tearing through your flesh and coming to make it’s home in some muscle or ligament and hopefully not in a vital organ. Her eyes searched the room frantically, landing on Mildred as the other woman sprinted across the room, her eyes wide with fear. And that, Gwendolyn realised, was the first time she saw true, raw, unfiltered emotion on Mildred’s face; she saw it clear as day as the nurse pressed a slightly shaking hand to her wound. Gwendolyn didn’t really feel the pain at the time – adrenaline will do that to a person apparently – but she was acutely aware of her inability to breathe properly (whether due to the panic or something more sinister, she didn’t really want to know at that point), of the strange pressure where she assumed the bullet had lodged, definitely of the look in Mildred’s eyes as she held her hand. And, she thought as her consciousness faded away, they really were the darkest shade of chestnut she’d ever seen.

Of course, things changed after that. For the better, at first. She could see Mildred trying, really trying, for the first time since this thing began. Then things took a bit of a turn. Gwendolyn couldn’t easily identify the look in Mildred’s eyes during that damn marionette show, but there was fear and panic, and Gwendolyn didn’t think the woman was actually mentally present for the most part, lost in some dark recess of her mind. And dark it was. The trauma Mildred had experienced as a child, the way she suffered at the hands of the people who were supposed to look after her- Gwendolyn didn’t think she’d be able to hold back if she ever came across any of them in the future.

And though she understood how truly awful the things Mildred had been forced into were, she couldn’t quite get past the lies, the fact that she had kept from everyone, kept from her, that Edmund Tolleson was her brother. She was angry, because she had finally thought this was it, she had found someone worth it, someone to be with forever. But instead, she stops looking Mildred in the eyes and finds out she has breast cancer. And what a bitch life can be.

So, Trevor moves out, and she finds herself being quite sad about it, because he truly was her best friend. But it was for the best – he could find someone worthy of him, and she could move back home and die quietly.  
But then there’s a knock at the door, and of course Trevor would have forgotten something – honestly, he’d forget his head if it wasn’t attached to him and she wasn’t there to remind him to bring it – but when she opens the door it’s not Trevor’s eyes she finds herself looking into, it’s those brown eyes that have haunted her since she first saw them. She lets Mildred into the house because it turns out she’s a sucker for a pair of brown eyes, these brown eyes specifically, even after all that’s happened between the two women.

She fights it, or tries to. These feelings that she can’t quite seem to shove far down enough, the ones she can’t quite keep locked in a box at the very back of her mind. And Mildred is saying all these things that are making her heart hurt, and all she wants to do is close her eyes and make it all go away because it’s not fair that she has to die instead of just letting herself fall into Mildred’s arms and believe everything she says. The brown eyes flicker when Gwendolyn finally tells her – yells at her – the truth; pain flashes across them before they harden again in a determination that almost frightens Gwendolyn with its intensity. And she almost believes that Mildred is right, that they’ll cure cancer. It’s easy to believe that they can do anything if they’re together. So, she does, for a moment. She lets herself imagine them old and grey, sitting side by side by the fire, and isn’t that the dream. But then she kisses Mildred, and no, that’s the dream. That’s the dream that will play behind her eyes every night for the rest of her life, however long it may be; the feeling of Mildred’s lips against hers, hands on faces, shoulders, waists.

***

‘Hello? Gwendolyn? Are you even listening to me?’

Gwendolyn blinks, once, then twice, and focuses on the figure across from her. ‘Sorry, sweetheart, I zoned out for a minute.’

‘Where did you go?’ Mildred asks as she lights Gwendolyn a cigarette, taking a drag before handing it over.

‘Just thinking,’ she smiles, muttering a quiet thank you as she takes the cigarette. ‘About you.’

At Mildred’s questioning gaze, she elaborates. ‘Your eyes.’

Mildred raises an eyebrow but says nothing as she lights a second cigarette for herself.

‘They’re really very pretty.’

‘You’re really very delusional.’

Gwendolyn smiles as she leans up slightly from her seat on the patio to place a gentle kiss on Mildred’s lips. ‘Hush,’ she says fondly. ‘I’m perfectly healthy.’

At this, Mildred smiles back. ‘Yes you are,’ she replies, kissing Gwendolyn back.

**Author's Note:**

> so either my writing peaked when i was 15 or the sheer volume of essays i've written recently has paid off and this is vaguely decent. i hope you enjoyed though


End file.
